…You Might Be Kinky

Hed­ley Lamarr knows where to fly his kinky flag.

If you’ve ever stam­ped­ed cat­tle through the Vat­i­can, you might be kinky.

If you fall asleep wear­ing a pos­ture col­lar and don’t notice until you start to sham­poo your hair in the show­er the next morn­ing, you might be kinky.

If you fer­vent­ly wish Mar­vin the Mar­t­ian real­ly exist­ed because that would mean you might be able to get a real Strait­jack­et-Eject­ing Bazooka, you might be kinky.

If you just nod­ded approv­ing­ly at the cor­rect spelling of “strait­jack­et,” you might be kinky.

If you read a Nation­al Geo­graph­ic arti­cle about marine biol­o­gy and see the term “whale sound­ing,” and the first thing you think is where in the world you could get sounds that big, you might be kinky.

If you shop at a tack store and you don’t own a horse, you might be kinky.

If you’re not a font design­er and you know the def­i­n­i­tion of the term “lig­a­ture,” you might be kinky.

If you get furi­ous at the movies when the damsel in dis­tress can’t escape from wrist shack­les that are big enough to stick her head through, you might be kinky.

When you’re watch­ing movies like Brave­heart or Glo­ry, and you have to keep remind­ing your­self the per­son being tor­tured doesn’t have a safe­word, you might be kinky.

If you’re walk­ing past a TV at Wal-Mart, and it’s show­ing a music video with a woman in a latex cat­suit, and an old lady walks by and remarks, “How do they get INTO those out­fits?” and you say, “Baby pow­der,” with­out think­ing about it, you might be kinky.

If you’re get­ting a phys­i­cal and the doc­tor pulls out a Warten­berg wheel and you say, “Mine’s big­ger!”, you might be kinky.

If you’re actu­al­ly able to argue about the rel­a­tive mer­its of hand­cuff brands, you might be kinky.

If you go to the store for gin­ger, but it’s not for cook­ing, you might be kinky

If you gig­gle when some­one abbre­vi­ates Cog­ni­tive Behav­ior Ther­a­py, you might be kinky.

If you fall asleep in bal­let boots and only notice because they start catch­ing on your blan­ket, you might be kinky.

If you can’t look at a can­dle with­out gig­gling, you might be kinky.