Don’t Worry; I’m Gay: Turning in My Man Card

Here’s to you, Real Men of Dis­tinc­tion! Now go home and sleep it off, assholes.

I’m turn­ing in my man card.

No, I’m not going sis­sy or any­thing. I’m still going to burp and scratch and pre­fer beer over cham­pagne and col­lect guns and buy tools I don’t real­ly need and watch UFC.

But I’m so dis­gust­ed and embar­rassed by the way so many oth­er guys act that I don’t want to be in the club any­more, if I ever was.

I was at The Under­ground a while back with Lily for a munch. She and two oth­er dom­i­nant lady friends were sit­ting on a couch talk­ing when a guy stag­gered over (he was might­i­ly ham­mered), squat­ted down, and start­ed telling them at length how beau­ti­ful they were and would they please join him out­side for a smoke?

All three polite­ly said no thanks, I don’t smoke. He assured them that it was okay, real­ly; he was gay.1

I watched him pester them for about 15 min­utes and final­ly — despite all three ladies non­ver­bal­ly telling me it was fine — I grabbed his shoul­der, pulled him to his feet and to the oppo­site side of the room, and told him to leave the ladies alone.

He angri­ly said it was none of my busi­ness and besides, he was gay.2 I said, “Dude. You’re drunk. And that’s no crime, but you’ve been both­er­ing three friends of mine and not pick­ing up on the fact that they’re nice­ly try­ing to tell you that they’re not inter­est­ed and they wish you would leave them alone.”

He blus­tered at me a bit, but I was polite­ly firm. He was an adult and he could do what­ev­er else he want­ed, but he was done talk­ing to my friends. Peri­od. New para­graph.3

You can can me a chau­vin­ist pig if you like. But this was not a ter­ri­to­r­i­al piss­ing match, a chest-thump­ing dis­play of dom­i­nance or an assump­tion that those poor li’l ol’ shrink­ing vio­lets need­ed A Real Man™ to step in and res­cue them.

It was me decid­ing I sim­ply could not stand watch­ing yet anoth­er mem­ber of my own gen­der act as if the Almighty and Most Sacred Poon­tang Pur­suit enti­tled him to treat oth­er human beings with appalling, inex­cus­able dis­re­spect. Espe­cial­ly when the three humans in involved are three strong amaz­ing woman, friends I love and respect too much to waste their time by not shoo­ing away a clue­less cad.

I just don’t get why guys act the way we do some­times. I’ve nev­er been aggres­sive about try­ing to pick up women (too shy!), but as you may have heard, “No” is a com­plete sen­tence. But hon­est­ly, is even that much necessary?

Peo­ple are not con­quests or acqui­si­tions. I’ve seen a lot of talk late­ly about the “Gen­tle No,” and I under­stand the con­cept, but for the life of me I don’t under­stand the need. Guys, why do we even need to be remind­ed to lis­ten to a “No,” gen­tle or not? Why do we even push hard enough that it’s need­ed at all? If we approach some­one and that some­one is not inter­est­ed, why can’t we pick up on that and just move on? We’re not rut­ting dogs hump­ing after a bitch in heat; we’re humans.

Maybe I don’t even have a Man Card, because all too often I just don’t under­stand my own gender.


  1. I’m not sure what dif­fer­ence that was sup­posed to make. “I’m gay, so don’t wor­ry about me assault­ing you out­side”? “I’m gay, so there’s some oth­er rea­son I won’t leave you alone that I’m not men­tion­ing right now”?
  2. Yes, we know.
  3. When we got done talk­ing, he tried sev­er­al times to hug and/or kiss me. I won­der if he was gay.