The Polka People Upstairs

So Mat­lock is a kink. Huh. Who knew?

It can be dan­ger­ous to have friends like KinkyKit­ty­PlayKat — she’s sort of a com­bi­na­tion of Tim Tay­lor from the old sit­com Home Improve­ment and the geeks on Myth­busters.

In oth­er words, some­one who not only thinks that if some­thing is worth doing it’s worth over­do­ing, but also has the brains to actu­al­ly do it. I mean, over­do it.

Lily, Efari and I went to a play par­ty at Voodoo Gallery last night. Efari and KKPK had­n’t met; I intro­duced them,1 where­upon KKPK imme­di­ate­ly asked Black­But­ter­fly if she could tie us up and sus­pend us. Lily said of course, as long as we both suffered.

Efari had nev­er been sus­pend­ed and was a lit­tle intim­i­dat­ed, so I sug­gest­ed she watch KKPK sus­pend me first and then see she what she thought.

It’s been near­ly a year since KKPK has sus­pend­ed me, but it’s like rid­ing a bicy­cle except she’s only got­ten better.

Play­ing with KKPK is kind of like being attacked by Spi­der-Man (if Spi­der-Man was kinky and a woman: You’re stand­ing there mind­ing your own busi­ness, and you hear TWHIP! THWIP! THWAP THWIP THWOP! and sud­den­ly you’re all tied up and hang­ing in midair and won­der­ing what happened.

Think I’m exag­ger­at­ing? How often have you seen a pho­to of a rope sus­pen­sion ses­sion in which the rope top’s hands and feet are both blur­ry from mov­ing so fast?

Any­way, when we got done KKPK asked Efari if she want­ed to try. Efar­i’s eyes were even wider than usu­al, but she was game. So before long KKPK had her strung up too.

Time passed, dur­ing which Lily beat Efari and I about 3/4 to death each,2 and then came the pièce de résis­tance:3  KinkyKit­ty­PlayKat had sug­gest­ed sus­pend­ing as many peo­ple simul­ta­ne­ous­ly as pos­si­ble.4 We had four rope tops and 12 vol­un­teer5 sus­pendees, so each rope top grabbed three bot­toms and got to work.

Efari vol­un­teered too. We’re so proud.

KKPK end­ed up with me, Biopoi­son and sap­ph­ic­sub, but she had only two sus­pen­sion points. So she sus­pend­ed me by myself and sus­pend­ed sap­ph­ic­sub and Biopoi­son togeth­er in a big gob that looked like a cute lit­tle plan­et cov­ered with cup­cakes and pup­pies and I’m get­ting diabetes.

Before long, all 12 subs were staged for sus­pen­sion. KKPK was rac­ing around check­ing ropes and cara­bin­ers and chains like Gor­don Ram­sey, but with less curs­ing. Final­ly she yelled, “Is every­one ready?”

Hilar­i­ous­ly, the sound sys­tem at that moment changed to some­thing dark and fore­bod­ing, like a tech­no Flight of the Valkyries. “Let’s do it!” KKPK cried, and a few moments lat­er 12 bot­toms were sus­pend­ed along the steel I‑beam run­ning the length of the Voodoo Lounge.

Mr. Thorns glanced at the ceil­ing and remarked, “Hope the ceil­ing holds or we’re all gonna be cov­ered with the pol­ka peo­ple upstairs.”

The Voodoo Lounge is the base­ment of a con­vert­ed church build­ing. The main floor is a dance club, and last night they were hold­ing a pol­ka par­ty. The pol­ka peo­ple upstairs were the host of elder­ly folks stream­ing in and out we’d seen when we arrived.

Need­less to say, the ceil­ing held. KKPK want­ed to make all 12 of us into a giant New­ton’s cra­dle. Alas, sup­port posts pre­vent­ed that. But that did­n’t stop her from swing­ing me around so that I alter­nate­ly smashed into Biopoi­son with my feet and head.

Sor­ry,” I said when I help­less­ly head­butted them.

That’s okay,” Biopoi­son said. “You have real­ly nice soft hair.”

Hell of a long way to go to get a com­pli­ment. When I ran into them with my feet they tick­led me.

But KKPK untied me first so I got them back. All in all it was a spec­tac­u­lar show, and the pho­tos of it on the Voodoo Lounge’s page are awesome.

With 12 rope bot­toms in the air down­stairs, the dance floor upstairs was prob­a­bly exposed to more con­cen­trat­ed kink at that moment than it ever had since the build­ing went up. I like to think the pol­ka peo­ple upstairs soaked some up through their feet and went home and did some nice kinky stuff, like hav­ing sex with the lights on or some Mat­lock role-playing.


  1. This will tell you how adork­able KKPK and Efari both are: When I intro­duced them, KKPK imme­di­ate­ly said, “Oh, you’re the one who post­ed the pic­ture of your­self wear­ing the Iron Man hel­met!
  2. I’m lying on my stom­ach as I write this.
  3. That’s French for “I don’t speak French but I’m pretentious.”
  4. Here’s all the tech­ni­cal stuff about it if you’re tak­ing notes.
  5. Or vol­un­told, as sev­er­al of us were.