Top 7 Signs a FetLife Discussion Is Headed Downhill Fast

When they start fill­ing the water bal­loons with piss, it’s time to go home.

Don't make me get the Bat-Buttplug!

When I first dis­cov­ered FetLife, I was elec­tri­fied at the thought of a whole online com­mu­ni­ty of peo­ple who would­n’t be hor­ri­fied at my kinks, but also shared them or at least under­stood them.

It did­n’t take long to dis­cov­er that peo­ple are peo­ple every­where you go. I’m still thrilled to be a part of the FetLife com­mu­ni­ty, which has all sorts of love­ly, won­der­ful folks, but it also has the same ass­holes as any oth­er group, along with the req­ui­site blowhards, ITGs, white knights, know-it-alls, seag­ulls, snowflakes, (full in the blank)-shamers, sanc­ti­mo­nious pricks and ne’er-do-wells of every stripe.

Which in turn means that the most innocu­ous of remarks can spark a full retard holo­caust (nev­er go full retard).

Watch for these sev­en signs that a Fetlife dis­cus­sion is about to explode and lay waste the countryside:

1. Copypasta Logical Fallacies — in Latin:

Typ­i­cal ad igno­ran­ti­am. I expect­ed as much from a ser­i­al post-hoc ergo propter hoc thread­shit­ter. Enjoy your reduc­tio ad absur­dum, asshole.

2. No Matter What You’re Talking About, It’s All About Me:

You don’t know me at all, so how dare you say you think scat play is unsafe when it’s one of my favorite things?!

3. My Past Trauma Means I’m ALWAYS Right:

Oh, you think women are less like­ly to be sex­u­al­ly assault­ed if they go out with friends rather than alone? Get back to me once YOU’VE been decap­i­tat­ed, rolled up in a gaso­line-soaked car­pet and set on fire!

4. The Seagulls Start Following You:

Per­son 1 (on his/her wall): Hey! Hope everyone’s hav­ing a great day!

Per­son 2: Is that what you were hop­ing for ME last Tues­day when you total­ly inval­i­dat­ed my feel­ings about “50 Shades of Grey”?

5. Profile Mining:

On August 12, 2012, you said you real­ly liked “The Girl With the Drag­on Tat­too,” which graph­i­cal­ly depicts rape. What does THAT say about your alleged com­mit­ment to women’s rights, Lying McLiarson?

6. Sociology:

Per­son 1: I don’t think it’s sex­ist to hold doors for the ladies.

Per­son 2: The use of the term “ladies,” which stems from the Euro­cen­tric rul­ing class, mere­ly proves how ingrained our patri­ar­chal inequal­i­ty is in our social con­struct, you insen­si­tive chau­vin­ist pig.

7. Instantaneous Anonymous Long-Distance Psychoanalysis:

You men­tioned Bruce Lee rather than Michelle Yeoh or Ziyi Zhang, which indi­cates a deep-seat­ed, but uncon­scious, misog­y­ny and sex­ism on your part. I feel sor­ry for any women who know you.